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government blameNEW YORK, N.Y. /Troy Media/ – Dear Mexico, 

Hola, mi amigo. ¿Cómo Estás?

It’s your old buddy, Canada. Just wanted to touch base and see how you’re doing. I hope the ‘bad hombres’ aren’t keeping you up at night.


Donald Trump says he’s going to go through with building a wall, eh? Have to say I would’ve bet a jug of maple syrup that he’d have forgotten all about that once he got to Washington. You’re probably more peeved than me. Well, not probably. Of course, you are.


But, hey, we’re in this together. There have been some major freak-outs up here – at dinner parties in Toronto mostly. I’ve overheard things like Well, isn’t that terrible and Oh, my goodness and These canapés are delicious. Strong words from Canadians!

Just know that we are still amigos no matter what.

I’m really against the whole wall thing but I’m not going to come out and say what an awful idea it is because – you know – um, I’m not really good at confrontation. Not my style. Please don’t tell anyone I said that – let’s just keep it between you, me and Wikileaks.

We have a lot in common. Both of us have the same neighbour. I mean, downstairs for us and upstairs for you but we all share the same apartment building, right? Pretty sure if J.F.K. were alive, he’d be able to spin that into a nice metaphor.

I know what you’re thinking – all the late nights and loud parties. Whoa! And wouldn’t ‘America the beautiful’ live up to the song if they’d be quicker about cleaning up their trash and stop barbecuing on the balcony? I mean, hello, we all have to breathe the same air.

Hey, the U.S.A. has always been boisterous and if we were less polite we’d have probably banged on the floor with our curling brooms. Sometimes, I’d love to yell, Sorry, I’m trying to sleep. Can you keep it down if it’s not too much trouble? I mean, I probably should but I really don’t want to make them mad.

The U.S.A. is kind of like Bill Bixby in El Increíble Hulk. Remember how he’d say, Don’t make me angry, you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry! Then he’d turn into Lou Ferrigno – all green and huge – and go on a rampage. Every time I think about making a fuss, I just put in my earbuds instead and turn up Céline Dion really loud. I’ll send you a mix tape.

Between you and me, I don’t think that Los Estados Unidos has thought this through. I mean, if there’s a big wall along their border and the wind blows south, it’s just going to trap all the plastic bags and soda cups right up against it. They’re going to have to hire a bunch of people – well, not your people obviously – just to sweep up. 

And what about the annoying thwap-thwap of tennis balls constantly bouncing off it? A big wall is just an invitation for people to practise their backhand. No one in the southwestern U.S. is going to be able to think straight. In fact, if I were you, I’d just hang some really big wind chimes from the top and see how they sleep with that incessant tinkle-tinkle all night long.

I want you to stay positive. That’s been my approach to life for 150 years. Look on the bright side. There are some good things about a really huge wall. Just think how easy it would be to give directions! Seriously. Instead of pulling out a map or fiddling with a GPS, you can just tell everyone, Hey, see that wall over there? Just hang a right (or left) – you get the picture. Also, it would be very cool for the world’s biggest mural.

Rest assured that we also stand on guard for thee – silently. Right now, we may be quiet as a mouse but we give these withering, smug stares and no one knows what the future may bring.

Que sera, sera, eh?

Love, Canada

P.S. Justin Trudeau is way hotter than Enrique Peña Nieto. Just sayin’.

Troy Media columnist Gavin MacFadyen is a Canada-raised, U.S.-based writer and occasional lawyer. Blending insight and wit, he brings a unique perspective to the issues of the day. Gavin is included in Troy Media’s Unlimited Access subscription plan.

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